Tell me why

I have never been close with God. I've never had that amazing incredible hearing God thru everything kind of relationship. I guess it's because of the way the OCD makes my mind work. I have to comprehend things. I have to understand. Things have to make sense. And God...well, He's anything but easy to understand. He's mysterious and confusing. So believing without comprehending has never come easy to me. I keep trying though. I keep chasing, trying to follow without questioning everything, but moments like this make it even more difficult. Why can't I know WHY things are happening? Why can't I know WHY the more I search for God the more the life around me falls apart? What am I doing wrong? Why do I struggle worse when I need God more? People say when it rains, it pours...but why? Why do trials and tribulations come in herds? It's like my life is a train...one car derails and pulls allllllll the rest with them. And why do people feel the need to remind me that God never gives us more than we can handle? How strong exactly does God think I am? Why do more and more things keep piling up, yet I'm getting no answers, no help fixing them, just a whole lot of nothingness. Again I ask...what am I doing wrong?
"Believe God will fix it." "Trust that God will provide" All good sayings, but what if I'm doing the best I can believing and trusting, and I still have all these questions, all these problems, all this mess...

Back at the House

I thought I'd hate being in the house alone with the boys. So much space, so much to get messy and have to clean up, so many quiet nights after my little men are in bed. But honestly I don't mind it so much...

I've never felt like there was time to relax, it was a constant stream of cooking and laundry and cleaning. But I've found with only 3 people, it doesn't get so terrible. Yesterday I had time for 2(Yes, I said 2!) long relaxing bubble baths! I even had my dear ol' friend Jewel over for some crafty time! (Don't get me wrong...Jewel is by no means "ol" in age, just one of my longest friendships! Since KINDERGARTEN!!!)

Only problem is...the dryer is out. I pushed the button to start it today and it went "grrrrrrrrbuzzzzzzzz...POP" then the whole house smelled like burning plastic. Yay! (Note the sarcasm in that excitement) So my poor little house is currently covered in wet laundry, hanging from chairs, sprawled across the kitchen table, all just waiting to dry. *sigh* Looks like that tax check will be going towards either fixing the dryer...or God forbid, buying a new one. Ugh.

Here we go

"I am strong because I have been weak. I am beautiful because I have my flaws. I am a lover because I am a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise because I have been foolish. And I can laugh because I have known sadness."

Something about this quote stuck with me. Probably how hard life has been as of late, but regardless I have come to think this will be the next tattoo. People always say "tattoos are forever, do you really want that with you forever", well...yes, yes I do. I have my tattoo for my little men and I will have this one for me.