Sunday, February 12, 2012


It doesn't happen often, but on occasion I have very vivid dreams. When I was pregnant with Little Man, it was a repeating dream of being trapped in a maze. I could hear a baby crying louder and louder getting more and more frantic, but every turn in the maze seemed to be a dead end till I'd finally find the baby to only discover it had died in the hours it took me to find it. It was an awful dream to have when you're pregnant at 19 and are terrified of what life holds for you when this baby gets here. Although I'm pretty certain that was WHY I was having that dream. Cause I was alone, young, and had no idea how I was going to manage to take care of a baby when I was just a baby myself.

Almost 2 years ago, I started having this dream where my ex was cheating on me, in this giant cheesy heart shaped bed in front of everyone. Including me. And when I'd confront him the woman would run out, he'd run after, and I'd run after him. She'd leave and I'd catch up to him to ask how he could do that to me and he'd simply state "I never really loved you, I just didn't want to tell you that and hurt you". An awful dream when you're only a year into marriage. The ex would often wake to me smacking him with a magazine or a pillow in my half asleep angry stupor or I'd ask him if he loved me (just making sure) and then make him promise if he ever stopped, I needed him to tell me.

But eventually both those dreams stopped. And other than the occasional random non-sense dream, like a friend who suddenly gained 400 lbs. or my children building me a house out of mashed potatoes, I don't dream often. Until the last 2 nights that is...

And I know exactly why I'm having this one. But this one isn't a nightmare like the other two. This one is pleasant and full of good things, which is scarier than any nightmare because that means my mind thinks that my current life is already the nightmare and it can't come up with worse. Instead it comes up with amazing things to save me from the roughness of reality. It kinda makes me want to sleep as often as possible and hope for that dream to come back...

Saturday, February 11, 2012


My mind hasn't stopped in almost 24 hours straight. And it doesn't help that my ears are ringing from the concert last night, so I can't even use sound to drown out the thoughts in my head.

I over think. It's part of the OCD. And completely obnoxious.

What if? What if? What if?
Who is thinking what? Why did they just do that? Why are they talking? Why are they not talking? Are they mad at me? Why aren't they mad at me?


The loneliness is the worst at night. And so are the questions.

*deep sigh*

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Busy busy busy

Ok so I'm not really busy. But I have been finding myself wishing I were busy. I don't know what has been different this past week or so, but the alone-ness is getting to me. Maybe it's the large amounts of free time. Maybe it's the loss of so many people who I once called friends. Maybe it's just boredom. But whatever the reason it's driving me crazy.

I have to find something to do. Something to learn. Something to throw myself into to. If I don't...I'll be throwing myself into the loony bin.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

6 more weeks of winter...

Yesterday was my birthday. That's right, I'm a groundhog. And yes, I've heard ALLLLL the jokes about how my mom was lucky I didn't see my shadow on that February 2nd 23 years ago. Unfortunately, good ol' Phil has seen his shadow and predicted 6 more weeks of winter. Although, with the winter we've had here...I'm not too worried. And all in all, it wasn't a bad birthday. Woke to a voicemail of my dad singing happy birthday. Got to spend all day with my little men. And treated them to a little McDonalds. Nothing crazy, but it was nice. The little man kept wishing me a happy birthday!
I can not complain...