I have never been close with God. I've never had that amazing incredible hearing God thru everything kind of relationship. I guess it's because of the way the OCD makes my mind work. I have to comprehend things. I have to understand. Things have to make sense. And God...well, He's anything but easy to understand. He's mysterious and confusing. So believing without comprehending has never come easy to me. I keep trying though. I keep chasing, trying to follow without questioning everything, but moments like this make it even more difficult. Why can't I know WHY things are happening? Why can't I know WHY the more I search for God the more the life around me falls apart? What am I doing wrong? Why do I struggle worse when I need God more? People say when it rains, it pours...but why? Why do trials and tribulations come in herds? It's like my life is a train...one car derails and pulls allllllll the rest with them. And why do people feel the need to remind me that God never gives us more than we can handle? How strong exactly does God think I am? Why do more and more things keep piling up, yet I'm getting no answers, no help fixing them, just a whole lot of nothingness. Again I ask...what am I doing wrong?
"Believe God will fix it." "Trust that God will provide" All good sayings, but what if I'm doing the best I can believing and trusting, and I still have all these questions, all these problems, all this mess...
He knows. I know how hard it can be, when all hell is breaking loose, for someone to come along and quote all the typical cliches, heartfelt though they may seem.
ReplyDeleteBut He knows. And His Word is true, no matter how much we do or do not understand.
He loves you so much.
We struggle so much because we live in a fallen world. When we're going through "stuff" it's very hard to feel God's presence....but He is there. Eventually things will begin to look up......sometimes I just have to say "I trust you Lord, but right now I'm not strong".
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