Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Need to know basis
Recently I have found myself whispering quiet little prayers to God. I've never been one to swear to anyone that I am certain of God existing, but as of late it is simply something I need to believe in. Something to give me peace. Something to keep me calm. For who would not like to believe that there is someone all powerful looking out for them. Hearing their prayers. And at times even answering them. I have never been able to understand religion and blind faith in anything and that fact has been my downfall. My mind works very logically. It can not accept anything without understanding it. Understanding the motives. I need the why and who and where and when and how all answered before I can just accept anything. That fact seems to have been my downfall in relationships as well. For example, when I do something or make a decision I weigh everything. How will this affect me? Who else will it affect? How will it affect them? I consider everything and everyone, then I decide. Then I act. But it seems that most people do not work this way. Or at least most men do not. So they do something or make some comment or make some decision and when I ask why it's the same old "I dunno" from them all. Why did you not call to tell me you were gonna miss dinner by 2 hours? I dunno. Why did you say that? I dunno. It's infuriating. But what is more obnoxious is when someone wrongs me. I am more than willing to forgive. BUT with how my mind works, I would prefer to understand WHY you did whatever you did that hurt me, than to receive a generic apology. Why did you hurt me? Did you stop to think about how it would affect me? If not, why not? Now perhaps this is my own problem. Perhaps I expect too much from people because it is what I would do for them. But don't we all have those moments where we feel like we always care more about someone than they do about us. But regardless, that is where I am. I just want to understand. (I fear if I had been the first woman on earth, I would've fallen for Satan's tempting as Eve did. Know EVERYTHING?!? Awesome!!) I want to understand how people can just not think about their actions. But I fear I never will. So I wander about my day, whispering my little silent prayers to a God I can simply hope is up there and listening. Praying for patience and strength and the ability to forgive without having to understand everything. Praying to be able to trust people and if he has any to spare...maybe just a little bit of understanding.